Sienna Tohar Week 7 - Pick a poet #2

This week, I chose a rather sad, yet beautiful and hopeful poem by Leila Chatti. I’m glad I chose her a few weeks back because I’m really enjoying her work. I had described last time when I spoke about her that my favorite part about reading her work is mostly the end when everything ties in together and I certainly noticed it again this time. I decided to focus on her poem “What Will Happen” this week. 

At first, jumping in, I wasn’t quite sure what the subject really was. Chatti had been talking about how there “will be an absence so big that you won’t believe” but I didn’t really catch on to what this absence was. I continued on and read that “you will wear the only black clothes you own and they will collect what you forgot drifts daily around you.” Lines such as, “You will not sleep, or you will sleep beyond waking so it resembles a minor death” and “You will forget it is Tuesday, Wednesday, and one day walking from one room to another, you will realize a week had passed since her last breath shook loose,” were what made me realize that this is truly about the loss of someone. I took a moment to think about and appreciate the fact that most of my loved ones are alive and around me.
I continued to read over the poem a few times, and understanding what its subject is made every line so much more interesting and meaningful. One of my favorite lines is, “This will destroy you in that it has not destroyed you.” I feel as though it really depicts that feeling of not knowing what to do and how to go about life doing everyday things. As though everything is back to normal, when it may feel like your whole world just changed. Just having to wake up and deal with the reality of someone close to you no longer being there is one of the most difficult situations to “get over” and sometimes, there really is no “getting” over it, but instead learning to accept that reality is what will let a person go on with his/her life (and understanding that life does exist without that person no matter how much we wish for that person to simply be there). 

Coping with the loss of someone is heartbreaking, but it’s also part of life. To me, learning that life goes on is a big part of growing up, and it could be no doubt a difficult thing to deal with at any point in someone’s life. Chatti really does a brilliant job highlighting the idea that your life doesn’t have to end when someone else’s does. She illustrates that period where life feels “paused” and heavy right after dealing with loss so well by explaining how, “You will keep her shoes because she will need them when she comes back from swimming in blue ether; you will wear her thick sweaters because you will always be cold,” showing that the memory and spirit of someone still lingers even when they’ve physically perished. Loss highly affects routine, and when someone was part of your everyday life and is suddenly no longer there, the adjustment could take as much as years to get used to because of the emotional toll. You may find yourself doing and saying things like that person is still there with you when they’re not (I honestly find that so heartbreaking, too. It’s like your mind hasn’t let go of that person yet and accepted the new reality).  

I wonder why we tend to do that sometimes. Maybe because we’re afraid of leaving that person behind somehow, almost like “forgetting” them. Chatti went on to explain, “ You will

one day wake and no longer remember her voice,” showcasing that fear. But, I think the poem takes a great turn when she mentions, “Time will fold over you, its lean shadows and fresh light. The moon will swallow itself then emerge again slowly,” highlighting that (emotional) change is on the horizon. Lines, such as “You will catch the smell of her, fleeting, on a subway, and you will continue on to your destination without weeping. Someone will tell you a joke and for the first time in months a laugh will unlatch from your throat,” show that, though it’s gradual, we are stronger than we think when it comes to coping with someone who’s gone. We learn that grief can last a (long) moment, but not a lifetime. Even simple statements like, “One day you will eat tomatoes like she taught you and you will teach this to someone else you will learn to love,” are kind of touching to me, because even though that description is quite specific, I can imagine exactly what that image/relationship looks like and how relatable it is when keeping someone who raised/guided you in mind. 

Everyone deals with this type of recovery differently, and it doesn’t even need to be about the death of someone, but just generally losing someone close to you. Learning that there’s more to your life after dealing with these obstacles is a huge realization, but it’s important to not deny our feelings and bask in cathartic experiences every once in a while. Have you taken a moment lately to think about and appreciate your loved ones around you?